Market Researcher

A market researcher called me tonight just as I was getting my severely jet lagged wife and son to bed. The very bored sounding girl on the other other end of the phone - and she couldn't have been more than 25 judging by her vocal inflection and what little unscripted diction I managed to elicit from her - said she was working for a "major television network" and wanted to ask me a few questions about the upcoming election ("Are you aware that there is a presidential election in November?) I figured that, existing in a desirable demographic as I do, my answers might in some small way push "our" media toward something other than election coverage that panders to the trailer and gun set. Not that I have anything against guns or even trailers; it's just that most of the people who own both these items tend to be idiots who shouldn't be allowed to have a drivers' license, much less be allowed to vote.

But alas, the survey was very badly designed, it's outcome preordained: e.g., incorporating only very binary possibilities like "Do you consider yourself a conservative, somewhat conservative, somewhat liberal or a liberal." The one thing that did strike me is that the survey asked several questions gauging how I felt about the possibility of an October surprise and how that might affect my feelings for the candidates. I'll leave the question of how extreme a paranoid reaction questions such as this coming from a major media outlet should engender as yet another exercise for the reader.

So after many seemingly poorly constructed questions (questions actually very cleverly designed to manufacture a target audience), my hapless interlocutor launched into Florida Orange Juice. Yes, Florida Orange Juice. How often did I drink orange juice? Did I know what a tag line was and which of the following most makes me want to drink Florida Orange Juice....

Now, I'm not saying that the 2004 election will be determined by which candidate can sell the most OJ, but I get the strong feeling there's a group of wealthy rednecks out there who have no doubt that come January 2005, they're soiling the sheets in the Lincoln Bedroom. Personally, I think Kerry can sell more orange juice. President Bush the Younger's message of, "You Could Die At Any Moment" makes me want one more Big Mac, not a healthy, life sustaining glass of citrus goodness.